Saturday, August 26, 2006

PUBLIC SAFETY WARNING. CHECK YOUR POCKETS. CAREFULLY.

A recent acquaintance, a certain Ms Martini, has come up with the intriguing possiblity that Inky may once have been – or may still be -- in someone’s coat pocket. His abduction may not have even been intentional.

It all makes so much sense. He has a tendency to withdraw when overwhelmed. I think, following the rout of the sponge-cats and the embarrassment of having to admit that Mr B’s simple (although cataclysmic), technique was so much more successful than any of his own elaborate and extremely costly technological ‘solutions’*1, Inky just wanted to get away from it all. Just be by him self for a while.

He probably curled up in a MoD visitor’s coat pocket whilst it was checked in the cloakroom, and then just fell asleep. Then the visitor would have collected their coat and gone… Given the international character of MoD’s visitors, poor Inky could be anywhere by now. And when he wakes up he’s going to be grumpy. He is really NOT a morning spider.

So now I’ve got a new worry. What if he IS still in someone’s pocket? They could, all unknowing and innocent, reach into their pocket… and then all hell would break loose! Given his tendency to resort to first strike tactics and his extensive on-board arsenal, Inky could take out an entire neighbourhood!

So I want to send out a public warning.

DO NOT PANIC. CHECK YOUR POCKETS. RIGHT NOW. CAREFULLY.

And let me know what you find.

*1 On June 25th 2006, a catastrophic collapse of the sponge-cat containment field led to disaster and chaos in the Museum of Dust. The Museum relies on sponge-cats for power and, with their escape, the whole enterprise ground to a halt. Inky, as Minister of Defense, is responsible for the security of MoD with a special duty to manage the sponge-cats. Plus which, he’s the only one they show any respect. So it was a particularly painful betrayal when they escaped and wreaked havoc in the Museum. His humiliation was intensified by the failure of all his anti-sponge-cat weaponry.

A certain Mr B had advocated the simple tactic of water-logging the escapees. In the event this proved extremely successful and the sodden recalcitrants were soon back in their enclosure. Unfortunately the sheer scale of the escape meant that the only way to pin them down was to flood the entire museum. This of course, has had a very negative impact on the Museum’s fittings and many of its exhibits. The place is still a mess, and it may be a very long time before we can make up lost dust. Not to mention the blow to public confidence in the institution, and our international position and prestige has been immense.

No wonder Inky wanted to keep a low profile for a while…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PUBLIC SAFETY UPDATE! CHECK YOUR SHOES FOR INKY.

The enviably multi-faceted Mandy has raised a new and slightly terrifying possibility. What if Inky has secreted himself in someone’s shoe? The possibilities are hideous – for both the unwary foot-owner that tries to put on the shoe, and for Inky himself. So, in addition to checking your pockets, I suggest you check your shoes as well – but use something non-invasive like a torch – Inky can react very badly if he’s startled.

Ground Zero has nothing on what that spider can do if he’s rattled or riled.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Mr X said...

A broken link in or around Ms Martini has been detected.

I repeat, a broken link, in or around, Ms Martini.

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Blogger Administration said...

We apologise for any break in transmission. We will return to normal linked acttivity as soon as the Director learns to pay a little more attention to detail.

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