Thursday, May 11, 2006

Library Dust Collection : US Declares War on Dust

Today the US military declared war on dust. "It creates visibility issues, it affects the functioning of our arms and it insists on getting into our pants. The United States of America simply cannot allow this kind of activity to continue unchecked. It is only a matter of time before US service-persons are compromised by this rising tide of grime," General Ichabod C. T. Rubble said in a press conference early today.
US forces are ambushed by illegal dust resurgents.Gen. Rubble showed appalled journalists positive proof of the dirty anti-social and un-American activities of particulate matter around the world. Recent studies show, for example, that the entire state of Florida receives about three feet of dust every million years.

President George W. Bush released a statement in the early evening, as soon as he could be roused from his afternoon nap, condemning what he characterised as a 'Conspiracy of Dust-bunnies and other radical spores'. He held up a photograph of dust to illustrate his characterisation of dust as 'a filthy conglamouration of free radicals.' "This dust plume rose to 1,500 metrons above the San Joaquin Valley, whipping up winds of over 300 killatrons," he read. "Erosion damage was extreme, and the event is associated with an epidemic of valley fever in an area extending hundreds of km to the north, from northward transport of dust containing the fungus that causes the disease," added Dr. Hinkley, of the U.S. Geological Survey

Photo by Sam Chase

"Manifest destiny is on our side," the President went on to say, "For does it not say 'Cleanliness is next unto Godliness?’ I personally will not rest until every American anywhere in the world can sleep free of the fear of dust."

Congress is expected to vote new funds to bankroll what is already being called "Operation Dust-buster'. Military pundits predict a two-nozzled attack.

On the international stage, efforts will concentrate on 'drawing a line in the sand' -- and then vacuuming it up. The long-term plan is to rid the world of any possible dust threat. This will include criminalizing any association with dirt. "Any persons or substances, no matter what their nationality or molecular composition, judged to be potential grime threats will be seized and held in a secure facility in someone else's country," a military spokesperson explained. "It is irrelevant that such associations may not be illegal within their own nations. It is time the world learned that it is our standards that are the benchmark. Anything else is opening the door to global squalor and anarchy."

On the domestic front, Congress is expected to allow the CIA, FBI and Dept. of Homeland Security sweeping new powers. This will include the right to enter any building or residence and poke around in the corners, cupboards and under beds. "Dust never sleeps -- and neither shall we!" a CIA operative pledged. "Bleeding heart liberals and other unpatriotic grubs may complain about the potential loss of civil liberties, but every right-minded red-blooded American will applaud our unstinting war on grime as a courageous expression of all that is best and brightest about our way of life."

Civil-rights groups are expected to release statements tomorrow. A NOW spokesperson has unofficially indicated that they fear that the government's initiatives will once again make women doormats, forcing the return to the gender norms of the ‘50s. Government sources defused community concerns, citing the inspiration that US homemakers provided to non-Americans. “Our standards are the envy of unclean people everywhere,” the Government source asserted before releasing details of new foreign aid programs making aid dependent on the privatisation of all state-held sanitation facilities and compulsory community clean-ups.

FEMA Bruin has announced that he will hold a press conference sometime tomorrow, outlining FEMA's response to the crisis. Early indications are that he will extend the scope of the US's War on Dust to also include the domestic lint, fluff and hairball epidemics.


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