Thursday, May 11, 2006

Library Dust Collection : Dr. Henderson says, "We need to plan, not panic."

This afternoon the Hexagon declared a 'Brown Alert' in response to rapidly escalating threats of dust storms. Tonight the Department of Homeland Security released a comprehensive response to particulate attack, including an innovative new strategy for individuals and communities to protect themselves.

The strategy for particulate attack is superficially identical to existing strategies for surviving biological, chemical, or radiological attack. Homeland Security expert, Dr Henderson, released the 'Shelter in Place' strategy at a press conference this evening. "In the event of potential, actual or imaginary air-borne particulate attacks," he advised, 'Pre-emptively seal your home and remain inside."

He then detailed the advantages of whole-house sealing. These include:
  • Instead of sealing yourself in one room, you will have all of the rooms and air in your home available for your use, while waiting for the pollutants to blow past your home.
  • Microbes (anthrax, botulism, smallpox, ebola...) will be kept outside where the wind can reduce their concentration and the sunshine can kill them.
  • You will have access to all the air in your home, rather than the air available in one room sealed with plastic and duct-tape which is quickly exhausted, leading to suffocation and loss of life.
  • Radioactive, chalk and micro-dust particles can be removed from incoming air by use of a modern air-conditioner.
  • On-site provision of entertainment, particularly ball-balancing tricks and flipper-clapping, and increased fish consumption.
Dr Henderson recommended keeping homes and workplaces sealed at all times. He mentioned the convenience of eliminating uncomfortable drafts and reducing energy use, noting that wild air was of variable temperature and thus necessitated running both heating and cooling equipment. "Humidity can be kept below 50%", Dr Henderson said, "Thus retarding the growth of mould spores and dust mites which are now considered enemy combatants."

Shelter in Place strategy >>


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