Monday, November 13, 2006

Schadenfreude for Beginners

Why doesn’t someone tell me when things are happening? I duck into the Chambre Ardente to work on one or two new exhibits for the museum and, whilst I’m not looking, our entire involvement with the search for the Khan takes a new turn!

Not to mention even more suspicion falls upon the squalid head of Janitorial…

Anyway, I’m hellishly busy and have just popped out to show you our new acquisitions. I will address our inter-museum communications failures when I have a spare moment.

First up: Essential items for the American Republican Party (although I think Tony Blair and John Howard will also find a need for these in the very near future…). Our hearts, of course, bleed for the crippled incumbent, so I’ve put a lot of time and effort into searching out objects and art appropriate to his condition. Luckily, all my needs were met by We make Money Not Art.

She has accumulated a wealth of auto-extinction aids that not only symbolise the condition of the Uber-Right (I’m thinking the suicidebot 'Coke is It'
here – an appealing little critter whose fuel-source is also the cause of its eventual crippling then extinction), but also offer them a way to extricate themselves… my personal fave is an oldy but a goldy – Dutch artist Peter Engel’s ENIO -- with its ‘male’ (pictured) and ‘female’ options.

There are more contemporary projects updating the territory – Christine Liu’s interactive clothing project, Mollycoddle, for example, might stand as a metaphor for the electoral process generally – if its demands for attention are ignored it progressively tightens, eventually crushing the wearer to death…

We make Money Not Art >>
Christine Liu >>

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Deep space photo shock!

Janitorial hates to be the voice of reason and ruin everyone's fun but recent images captured by the Hubble telescope throw new light on claims lately made by the Republic of Tinseman.

The telescope was taking part in routine, CIA funded, scans for inter-galactic terrorists when it took several frames of the Starship Enterprise. Applications made under the Freedom of Information Act guidelines, lobbying, computer hacking, and safe-breaking have placed copies of these images in the hands of the Janitorial Department of the Museum.

The images when enlarged show quite clearly that the "starfleet" threatening the Enterprise is nothing more than a photo stuck on the Control Deck window. At such great distances the resolution of the images does not allow us to discern whether the photograph is stuck to the outside or the inside of the window.

This may seem a minor point but a lot hangs on the answer. If the photo is on the inside of the window it means either the false Khan (Shatner) is entirely insane or (without negating the former) there is someone onboard the Enterprise trying to stir up hostilities. To what end? - who knows?

If the image is on the outside it looks like the handiwork of the MoDoMoD's crack Deep Space Strategic Prank squad (a pet project of Inky's). One thing that can be concluded is that wherever the Enterprise is the MoD starfleet is NOT! It's miles and miles and miles away. But up to what?

This journalist believes that Inky has rescued the real Khan and they are enjoying tea, and cucumber sandwhichs, while watching a few chukkas of Ultra-polo in the Trans-solar Objects gallery of the Museum.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

…when you're having fun.

It has come to our attention that certain personnel have been complaining about their workloads. We too have been labouring away in these times of trouble. We have had to re-catalogue the entire irony, farce and satire sections of the library in light of events in Outresol. Plus we have had to train our staff in the use of the new-fangled spider catching thingy only to discover that Inky was in Deep Space all this time. On top of all that we have got together the outlines for a structured Peace. Frankly, all this war stuff makes life a real pain. The following is a rough draft of a Bill of Rights we hope to establish. Once done all this belligerent malarky will disappear.

The paranoid rantings emanating from the Illustrious Khan and his ilk (no, not reindeer) have driven us to rebellion. The Intersol is not safe while such egoism runs unchecked. We hereby put out a plea to all other cyber-states, non-states, independent and[or imaginary republics and so forth - join us in forming the United Notional States. It will be a pan/trans/meta-world body where like-minded notional states will get together and drink tea and have a chat, promise to provide mutual support and defense, declare the odd war on 'real' media, and all round just have fun. What we suggest is a World free of media barons, warlords, borders, bias, partisanshhip (and all its reactionary fellow moral failings), second-rate celebrities (in fact, all of them), and all the other shackles that prevent the full expression of the benign human spirit.

We do not treat this lightly. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments should not be established for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that humans are more disposed to suffer the forms of governance to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations reduces them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of the Independent Notional States; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of File management and Linkage. The history of the present Illustrious Khan [William Shatner] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly in large vats of acid.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to replace them; in the meantime exposing to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to eat the population of these States; for that purpose ignoring the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; encouraging them hither, and eating them.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to the Laws Physics.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and filled them with Rupert Murdoch.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies, Lying Armies, Totally Incompetent Armies, and Various Other Varieties of Unemployed Heavily Armed Men.
He has affected to render the Military incompetent and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws e.g: hanging with Branjelina and Rupey-boy.
He has been very rude by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and variously annoyed us.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized blog.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms. Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Khan, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Tinselish brethren.
• We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us.
• We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here.
• We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence.
They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the people, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, plead for the establishment of a United Notional States which, in General Congress, Assembled, will agree to make things better for everyone. We solemnly publish and declare that The United Notional States will be, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Illustrious Khan, and that all political connection between them and the Republic of Tinselman is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence in the form of the MoD Starfleet, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
The following we hold self-evident:
All citizens of the UNS are deemed to be created equal.
They are endowed by their Nature with certain unalienable Rights to Life and Liberty.
No favour dependent on race, religion, gender, politics, colour or actual existence/non-existence shall be given to any individual.
Need is met with aid.
From each what they can; to each what they deserve.
The Illustrious Khan can't be a member.
Space IS the Final Frontier.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

As you can see we need a bit of help. Unfortunately, due to staffing shortages not all correspondence can be answered. We will consider all suggestions but maintain the right to reject any we consider in opposition to the spirit of the charter. We suggest you think of the best things for the 'real' world and we'll massage them to fit.

Thank you,
The Janitorial Department

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Picture Gallery :: Nice Monster

In between chess games, I’ve been applying myself to extending our Picture Gallery collection.* After all, whilst I'm waiting for the fleet to return with the real Khan, I have a responsibility to keep things going here.

Most recently I have added the improving allegories of Russian artist, Eugene Artsebasov. I consider this to be an almost educational addition to our collection. For example I have learnt an awful lot about the importance of self-promotion from the image below.

See many more at Mote’s Silly Pictures >>
Via the ever tasty Barista >>

*At least somebody has their eye on the main game around here! We can't all moon about dreaming of war (...can we, Administration?). Hello! We’re a museum! Our foremost duty is to collecting things, not get stuck in a conflict that we neither started nor sought.

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

Totally pwned by Donald Rumsfeld

The intercepted communiqué is even more engrossing than I had imagined. Obviously the US have decided to share their bleeding-edge tactical secrets with their allies, William Shatner and Rupert Murdoch. Sure, it LOOKS like chess instructions…

I shudder to think of the effect that this is going to have on our peace efforts. Actually, I decided not to show them to La Cacaracha Libre… too much like a red rag to a bull… but I know that Inky, when he returns, will find them immensely useful.

BTW this is an interactive chess manual, and it weighs about 500kgb >>

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Time Flies...

Oops I was gone longer than I planned!

And of course, nobody did anything useful around the place whilst I was away! MoD’s staff are completely useless! Pathetic! Lazy slackers!

Still, who ever would have predicted that I would be gone so long?

You would think that it would be a simple matter to purchase a spider catcher – even if it is some top-of-the-line, radically innovative and environmentally sensitive model like the spider catcher ™

But is there a retail outlet for such useful items in Terra Incognita?

No there is not!

So I have been chasing around half the world trying to secure one.

Of course I would never dream of using such an object on Inky (no matter how ‘humane’ and 'sensitive' it promises to be), but I thought…”what if the mysterious communiqué from the Bite isn’t really from Inky? What if it’s from some kind of mutant space arachnid?” Better safe than sorry etc etc.

Anyway, I’m back – but there’s still no word from the Bite! I’m sick of waiting around, worrying, wondering, fretting! Luckily one of our highly trained agents intercepted a package from the US Defence Department. It is addressed to the Enterprise, c/- William Shatner OR Rupert Murdoch. I can’t wait to see what’s in it…

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