Sunday, October 22, 2006

Unexpected News from Space

I still don't know what to think... I got up this morning and found the message below waiting on the ship-to-shore communicator device thingy.

Is it possible? Is Inky REALLY on board? Or is this some kind of nefarious plot by the insurgents in Republic of Tinselman to destabilise our attempts to sew the seeds of democracy in that benighted realm?

Of course, I immediately attempted to contact the spacefleet flagship Our Bite is Worse, but they seem to have once again left communications range. I curse the day that we followed Minister Ivo's instructions about saving money and signed up with Australia's BigPond... it simply has no coverage -- leave a capital city and it simply isn't there. No wonder the Oz tyranny is attempting to offload it onto unsuspecting foriegn investors...

Anyway, if the following IS true, then all our troubles will soon be over. And Inky is safe after all!

Part of Museum of Dust's spacefleet. (Image credit: Capt. Demarius Pike)

Communication #One.
Captain's log [terra chronis 23/10/06]
Source: The interplanetary vessel 'Our Bite is Worse than this Barque' [Ian M Banks class] command ship to the Museum of Dust Interplanetary Research and Development Department.
Recipient: The Museum of Dust/Terra Incognita via Burnham Wood.

We have just left the 'information shadow' cast by Saturn and Jupiter and are now free to beam directly to Earth. Back-up files will follow.

As you all know (we did leave a note attached to the whiteboard in the anatomy lab – you DID read it didn’t you?) we were requested by NASA to confirm Pluto's planetary status. I decided it would be a perfect opportunity to test the interplanetary abilities of our starfleet. The results were good all round. Pluto was sadly lacking in the bulk required for planetary status. Unfortunately, it was also somewhat too big for admission to the Museum of Dust. After an evening of large amounts of rum and indiscriminate disciplinary measures I decided to destroy the uppity rock. [see attached foto] It is definitely no longer a member of the pantheon.

But it IS now eligible for admittance to MoD’s collection.

On our return trip I was tempted to colonize Jupiter as part of our philosophy of 'Pre-action' but we found the inhabitants peaceful, friendly, and receptive to our cause having suffered severe brutality at the hands of someone called 'Your Illustrious Khan'. Beneficence being the better part of valor we left them such helpful items as we could - catalogues, compasses, looking glasses and the like. Saturn we left a smoking ruin.

Now, frankly, I have to ask 'What the hell has been going on?' I spend a couple of weeks in space and come back to find we are on the brink of war with the Republic of Tinselman. I've never heard of them - which is good, in a way, as it make it so much easier to wipe them off the map. That is assuming they ever made it on to one. War-making is my imperative and Cog's prerogative.

It is not an option for someone such as Leslie Fenton Scam-scam.

Leslie is to be commended for his actions during this time of crises. However, for exceeding his authority he will be shot at dawn, with a matinee at two o'clock, an evening show at eight, and a late supper shooting on Fridays.

The people of the Republic of Tinselman and the employees of the Museum of Dust must be reminded that war is not to be entered into lightly. The consequences always outweigh the benefits. No one is ever ennobled by the subjugation of others. You have all been swayed by false messiahs. As the wicked Leslie Fenton Scam-scam tried to lure us to destruction the malevolent spirit of William Shatner stalks the Republic of Tinselman. This evil, malign, despicable creature must be driven back to its home in a Boston law firm. The benighted savages of the Republic must be made free. As of this moment I direct the starfleet to cross the galaxy in a quest to rescue the Khan and save him from false Samaritans. We will not rest until he sits upon his throne and once again can enlighten and protect his folk.

May comets waver in their paths and suns die at your glance:
we salute you mighty Cog

Studley Wilcox-Lusher III
Minister of Defence

PS: [DELETE THIS NOTE]-commandline-1-note/deletion>stack-failure
Will send out scouts. I will probably just swing around behind Uranus (I know… but the astro-navigation crew insisted) colonize a few moonlets and be home in time for supper.

I suppose the only thing to do now is wait. And hope.


Anonymous spider hunter said...

Does this mean we stop search for Inky on Earth? I should have hitched a ride on Shatner's starship.....

10:03 am  
Blogger Director said...

If there is one thing I know about Inky is that he could be anywhere in the universe.

Actually, just between you and I, I have my doubts that the writer really IS Inky -- such communications would normally have gone through Bite's captain Demarius Pike... so Dog alone knows what is going on there.

I have tried to contact the fleet, but they are obviously already hit a communications shadow cast by the moon, or solar flares or something...

12:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are many among us who think of the 'Search for Inky' as a metaphor. What you are partaking in is a search for your inner self. Within us all there lies a small, dark, spikey, and on occassion rather terrifying thing. Through travails, travels and trivia you can discover this creature and release it. Remember, never stop searching.

1:13 pm  
Anonymous spider hunter said...

Anonymous, we spider hunters have long cultivated the more mystical side to our Art. But it is important not to abandon the Earthly Spider in favour of a purely spiritual ideal. Both the inner and the outer spider must be pursued simultaneously for a truly profound realisation.

3:27 am  
Blogger Danxia said...

Calling Our Bite is Worse -
This is the Enterprise.
We are on a peaceful mission, repeat, we are on a peaceful mission. Our Bite is Worse -
please state your intentions.

1:44 am  
Blogger Jim Stewart said...

Hey Chief!

We here at the ZM are ready to go! The mermaids are deployed and Spokesmodel Ileana is available for terrestrial distractions. A squadron of Leatherwings awaits your command. Cheeky Pete sends his love and wants to know if you need any optimism.

-- Mr. S.

1:03 am  
Blogger Danxia said...

Readers - Inky and his American lapdogs are trying to destroy the Republic of Tinselman. Resist the invasion!

6:17 am  
Blogger Joelson Carl said...

To the Museum of Dust: the following is a response that I typed to a message left by "Cog" at the Province of Nos'leoj. I tried to send it earlier, but there were technical difficulties.

Director Cog (or whatever your title is),

We will not bow down to your evil attempts to crush the rest of the universe beneath your dusty grip. We are much too knowledgeable to believe that you have our best interests at heart. We know who the real Khan is, and we WILL find him before you. Heaven forbid you reach the Khan first, and torture him in heaven knows what horrible manners.

Furthermore, I have had ELTON look into the veracity of the video we have seen, and ELTON concluded without a doubt the authenticity of said video.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with a red shirt.

Sincerely standing up against MoD tyranny,

Prime Minister Joelson Carl
Proud Citizen of the Republic of Tinselman
Engineer/Cook on the Enterprise mission to rescue the Khan

10:07 am  
Blogger Jim Stewart said...

Hey Chief!

What news?? Have you been muzzled by enemy forces?

Sing me "concerned"...

-- Mr. S.

6:50 am  
Blogger Jim Stewart said...

That should be "Sign me"...

6:51 am  
Anonymous Inky said...

Hi, gang. The Spider is back in town!

I would like to thank Jim Stewart from the ZM for his sterling support of our cause. Danxia I would like to see in my office ASAP. I think you have potential; I'm considering an internship in Weapons and Research Testing - there is an unfortunate vacancy ready for a talented person like yourself.

As to young master Joelson Carl - I am going to pin you to a corkboard and stick you in my collection you treacherous, little insect. And you season ticket to the Museum is revoked.

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